we are currently experiencing life as a one car family. most days, it's not a hassle at all. if you know me even a little, you know i'm an extreme home body and prefer being home over just about anywhere else. it's good to get out and about every once in a while, even if i have to force myself. one of the perks of having one car is on days when i have meetings or other things on the schedule, gracie and i drop craig off at work and it forces me to get out.
this morning, baby and i dropped the mr. off at work and our plan was to head to target. when we pulled into the parking lot of craig's work and she started screaming i thought we might have to take a detour by the house before heading to target. we gave our man a kiss good bye, wished him good luck for his final progression ride and went on our way. still, a crying baby in the back seat. i hate to hear her cry because i just want her to be happy all of the time. i knew she was just tired but thought she might be needing some milk too. i let my mind get frazzled (because i do that waaaayyyyy too easily) worrying about if we should go home or just head to target and i could feed her in the car. you see, my logic behind that idea was that i thought if we went home i might not want to go back out. it's sort of been windy and rainy all day, not the ideal weather for toting a babe in and out of places. as my mind got caught up in what we were to do, i realized my sweet girl was quiet. quietly enjoying dream land... and so, to target we went.
as soon as we got inside she was bright eyed and taking in all of the surroundings. i wandered around the dollar spot while she stared at the lights. slowly, she was growing hungry and tired of being anywhere but my arms. i held her and continued to wander until i could tell she was really ready for food and confidently walked back to the dressing rooms to nurse the little lady.
confidently- yes, odd, i know. but you see... this is the whole point of my ramblings. (well, one of them anyways.) besides the fact that i enjoy being home, i often choose it over going out because of the anxiety i feel when i am out and about. before, when it was just me, it would come and go, sometimes feeling anxiety over the silliest of things. but now, that it's me and a baby... whoa! anxiety sky rockets. i wonder what happens if she has a blow out and i am out of diapers? what happens if she barfs all over both of us in the middle of the store and it gets all over the floor and covers our clothes? what happens if she screams and cries and i can't calm her down and everyone around us is glaring with evil eyes and wondering what is going on? what happens if she's hungry and i don't know where to feed her? i let the little things freak me out from going anywhere at all. yes, i realize this is unhealthy and i am working on just going and doing, and finding solutions as these "what if" scenarios arise.
so you see, as i was driving away from the air field after dropping craig off i was playing some "what ifs" in my mind and wondered "what if she gets hungry while we're out?" (i realize this may sound completely ridiculous and pathetic to some of you, and maybe it will seem that way to me as i read over this down the road when i'm not a new first time mom and i've learned to manage my anxiety better...) the thought came to my mind, as it has several times before that public places really need to have mother's lounges. then i thought about a dressing room and ta-da! target has a dressing room! buuuuut, what if the workers pitch a fit about me wanting to use a dressing room to nurse?? then i pull my crazy mama bear, feminist, breast feeding activist card out of my back pocket and sue target for not providing a mother's lounge. ok, not really... but that's how my mind works. it takes me on crazy dramatic adventures from zero to sixty in no time! (please, tell me i'm not the only one?!) and then, back to reality and i realize, worse case scenario, i feed her in the car... just like i had pondered doing in the first place.
and so, confidently i walked with a hungry babe in arms to the target dressing room. when the attendant asked how many items i had, i responded that i didn't have any clothes to try on, i just wanted to feed my baby. half way expecting a fight. but, she just smiled and said "of course, choose whatever room you'd be most comfortable in." i smiled (and in my mind, slapped myself on the hand for being so dramatic) and walked to the back corner and gracie had some milk.
when she was done, we walked around as she contemplated finding dream and again. she fussed for a minute, and then off she went. slowly, i continued to walk up and down aisles making a mental wish list of things i want, and justify needing. i found a new talent in carrying a sleeping girl and maneuvering a big red cart around corners. and also, i found a new strength and confidence in knowing i could do this. i could go out with my girl and have fun mommy/daughter adventures and learn to not stress.
anxiety can get the best of me, but only if i let it. and, thanks to a target dressing room, a friendly employee and a new found confidence, i'm not going to let it. plus, my darling girl holding onto my shirt...she wants me to brave, and i want to show her i am.