this morning, baby and i dropped the mr. off at work and our plan was to head to target. when we pulled into the parking lot of craig's work and she started screaming i thought we might have to take a detour by the house before heading to target. we gave our man a kiss good bye, wished him good luck for his final progression ride and went on our way. still, a crying baby in the back seat. i hate to hear her cry because i just want her to be happy all of the time. i knew she was just tired but thought she might be needing some milk too. i let my mind get frazzled (because i do that waaaayyyyy too easily) worrying about if we should go home or just head to target and i could feed her in the car. you see, my logic behind that idea was that i thought if we went home i might not want to go back out. it's sort of been windy and rainy all day, not the ideal weather for toting a babe in and out of places. as my mind got caught up in what we were to do, i realized my sweet girl was quiet. quietly enjoying dream land... and so, to target we went.
as soon as we got inside she was bright eyed and taking in all of the surroundings. i wandered around the dollar spot while she stared at the lights. slowly, she was growing hungry and tired of being anywhere but my arms. i held her and continued to wander until i could tell she was really ready for food and confidently walked back to the dressing rooms to nurse the little lady.
confidently- yes, odd, i know. but you see... this is the whole point of my ramblings. (well, one of them anyways.) besides the fact that i enjoy being home, i often choose it over going out because of the anxiety i feel when i am out and about. before, when it was just me, it would come and go, sometimes feeling anxiety over the silliest of things. but now, that it's me and a baby... whoa! anxiety sky rockets. i wonder what happens if she has a blow out and i am out of diapers? what happens if she barfs all over both of us in the middle of the store and it gets all over the floor and covers our clothes? what happens if she screams and cries and i can't calm her down and everyone around us is glaring with evil eyes and wondering what is going on? what happens if she's hungry and i don't know where to feed her? i let the little things freak me out from going anywhere at all. yes, i realize this is unhealthy and i am working on just going and doing, and finding solutions as these "what if" scenarios arise.
so you see, as i was driving away from the air field after dropping craig off i was playing some "what ifs" in my mind and wondered "what if she gets hungry while we're out?" (i realize this may sound completely ridiculous and pathetic to some of you, and maybe it will seem that way to me as i read over this down the road when i'm not a new first time mom and i've learned to manage my anxiety better...) the thought came to my mind, as it has several times before that public places really need to have mother's lounges. then i thought about a dressing room and ta-da! target has a dressing room! buuuuut, what if the workers pitch a fit about me wanting to use a dressing room to nurse?? then i pull my crazy mama bear, feminist, breast feeding activist card out of my back pocket and sue target for not providing a mother's lounge. ok, not really... but that's how my mind works. it takes me on crazy dramatic adventures from zero to sixty in no time! (please, tell me i'm not the only one?!) and then, back to reality and i realize, worse case scenario, i feed her in the car... just like i had pondered doing in the first place.
and so, confidently i walked with a hungry babe in arms to the target dressing room. when the attendant asked how many items i had, i responded that i didn't have any clothes to try on, i just wanted to feed my baby. half way expecting a fight. but, she just smiled and said "of course, choose whatever room you'd be most comfortable in." i smiled (and in my mind, slapped myself on the hand for being so dramatic) and walked to the back corner and gracie had some milk.
when she was done, we walked around as she contemplated finding dream and again. she fussed for a minute, and then off she went. slowly, i continued to walk up and down aisles making a mental wish list of things i want, and justify needing. i found a new talent in carrying a sleeping girl and maneuvering a big red cart around corners. and also, i found a new strength and confidence in knowing i could do this. i could go out with my girl and have fun mommy/daughter adventures and learn to not stress.
anxiety can get the best of me, but only if i let it. and, thanks to a target dressing room, a friendly employee and a new found confidence, i'm not going to let it. plus, my darling girl holding onto my shirt...she wants me to brave, and i want to show her i am.
You are so sweet. I don't have quite the anxiety that you do but I do totally stress about the "what ifs." When Palmer was little I totally would wait until Aaron was home before I ventured out too far. I'll NEVER forget the day that I went with my sister and nieces shopping at the mall. Palmer was stinky so I went to change her and it was EVERYWHERE. Luckily I had an extra outfit BUT I didn't even have close to enough wipes. I was in the handicap stall because it had the changing station in it and I heard several women waiting. Palmer was screaming and I had no idea what to do. (they only had the air dryers so not even a paper towell) Luckily a lady finally asked through the door if everything was ok. I was so embarrassed, but I told her that my baby had a blow out and that I didn't have enough wipes. She gave me her whole package of wipes and let me finish up giving Palmer basically a bath. :) I have found that more than not people understand and are kind. Even when kids are screaming in the middle of the grocery store. (Palmer's new favorite thing) Love ya tonz and keep the confidence.
ReplyDeleteThose situations as a first mom can be a bit overwhelming at times. Even now with my second child I sometimes worry about certain situations because now I have 2 and not 1 kid and I am outnumbered! :) But, it is very empowering to go through them and realize you CAN DO IT!!! Thats great the employee was so sweet and let you use the dressing room to nurse. I once went to a dressing room at Target with my baby and asked to use a dressing room to nurse and the employee looked at me with a bit of a glare and said, "I don't think you can use the dressing rooms for nursing." I responded, "Uh.... well there is nowhere else to feed her. Where am I expected to go? None of your dressing rooms are even in use!" She said, "well.. I think you have to nurse in the bathroom." WHAT!?!? I was furious! I was NOT going to take my baby into the dirty bathroom and sit on the toilet to nurse for 20 minutes! And I told her just that. To which she replied, "Let me ask my manager about this." And she called the manager on her walkie talkie... and guess what?! The manager said "Tell her to go right ahead and use the dressing rooms!" So... don't you ever worry about that situation again. The "manager" even said its ok :)
ReplyDeleteYou are not the only one. I get anxiety about going anywhere by myself cause I'm afraid of getting lost! I get what your saying about nursing. I always did it in the car. Although you do get some random people staring a you. Or grandmas would knock on my window and give me thumbs up.
ReplyDeleteWow. Amy! I stumbled on your blog via facebook,and I'm glad I did. I remember those same fears and anxieties when I was a new mom. You really took me back! I love what you said about the accesibility to breastfeed. Your "mama bear" instincts kicked in! Gracie has a good mommy!!!
ReplyDeleteWow. Amy! I stumbled on your blog via facebook and Im glad I did. I can remember having those same fears and anxieties when I was a new mommy. I really loved what you said about the accesibility to breast feed and how in that moment your "mama bear" instincts kicked in. You were bound and determined to meet the needs of your baby, and that is what its all about. You really had an a-ha moment! Way to go!!
ReplyDeleteAmy, I used to feel the same way when Samantha was a baby. I think as you have more positive experiences like this one (and you survive the bad ones!), you'll gain more confidence in doing the things you need to as a mom. I still have those moments with Nicole, but not nearly as bad :)
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